Pure Random
By Page Down
Dot, Mouse, and AndrAIa were sitting in a booth in the diner watching the men sprites of Mainframe act like....well, men.
“You see Enzo, it’s all in the chest,” Bob explained. “Take a deep breath and release.” He was trying to teach Enzo how to burp.
“It’s not working,” Enzo complained.
“Watch......*Buuuurp!*” Ray demonstrated.
“Hey that was pretty good for a blonde,” Matrix said.
“Wait I think I got it....*Urp!*”
“Oh User help us all,” AndrAIa sighed.
“Is there a single decent guy out there in the wide net?” Dot wondered.
“No sugah, if there were he would be mine,” Mouse said.
“Look at them. Burping. I mean come on! Aren’t there better things to do with your life?” Dot complained.
“Yeah but they are guys. They don’t understand the concept of putting their life to good use,” AndrAIa said.
They turned back to the group of guys. Bob and Ray were arm wrestling.
“*Groan* Just a little har*groan*der” Bob moaned pushing Ray’s arm down.
“Come on ‘mate can’t you do bet*groan*ter?” Ray taunted.
“Kick the surfboard! Qui*moan*ck!” Bob managed to gasp as Ray pushed him onto the floor, pinning him down. Bob tried to wriggle free but Ray had cleverly and strategically pinned Bob down in a way that movement was almost impossible. (Don’t know how exactly. Let’s see if you can come up with any ways to accomplish this.)
It was at this time that Matrix got bored just watching and decided to join in on the fun. (I’m not quite sure what’s fun about wrestling, but then again this is coming from a girl so I dunno. Just accept that on some level this could amuse guys) Anyways Matrix separated the two guys and started punching Ray. Of course this had no effect on him as his surfboard is his only weakness. Which is why I might add Bob wanted someone to kick it in the first place.
Enzo got bored watching everyone so he leaped towards the surfboard and started hitting that with his little green fists. Ray doubled over and saw that Enzo was the culprit. He dragged himself over to the little sprite and not wanting to hurt him, mostly because Dot was watching them, and started tickling the youth instead.
Meanwhile Bob had ripped one of Matrix’s boots off and Matrix was trying to wrench it free from Bob’s grasp. He almost had it but then Bob, using his newlyfound abilities levitated the boot above Matrix’s head some feet in the air.
The three sane people in the diner were watching this. Dot was clenching and unclenching her fists. Mouse was drumming her fingers on the table, annoyed. And AndrAIa was hitting her head on the table trying to figure out if this was a nightmare or not.
“STOP! For User’s sake STOP.” Dot pleaded. All the guys looked at Dot for a moment then went right back to what they were doing.
AndrAIa lifted her bruised head from the table and shot her poison nails at each of the guys. She delivered only enough poison to knock them out. The nails hit their mark and each one of the guys dropped like a heavy sack, fast asleep.
“Thanks sugah,” Mouse said sighing.
“Awww they look so peaceful like that,” AndrAIa commented.
“Yeah like they’ve never made trouble in all their compiling days,” Dot agreed.
It was a pretty cute scene. Enzo was curled up in a ball with his finger in his mouth, snoring softly. Every once in a while he would reach up and touch the brim of his hat as if to see if it was still there. Matrix slept in much the same way, which isn’t surprising considering that he and Enzo are the same person. Matrix formed a toy gun with his hands and was making “Bam, Bam!” noises as he shot at imaginary targets in his dreams. Bob was laying on his stomach with one hand help protectively over his forearm as if Glitch were still there. Bob was apparently a sleep kicker as he was continuously kicking and moving his right leg about. His left leg was pinned down by Ray who was hugging it and talking in modem speak. It translated as {Oh Mouse I love you. Come on Mouse give me a smoochy. Handbag.. Teakettle... Barbeque}
The girls watched this for a moment, enjoying the silence. Sadly it was not to last. The boys came to.
“Eww blood. Cool!” Enzo commented on his cut in his neck. (Which I might add has purple blood with orange bits. Or is that orange blood with purple bits? Somewhere a reader who is on the ReBoot_list reads this and screams “Let’s not start this again!” Sorry :))
“You four are driving us random!” Dot yelled.
“Awww Dot we’re not that bad,” Matrix said, trying to put on an innocent little-cute-kid-who-is-innocent-so-don’t-blame-me look. This failed miserably considering that he is a grown man who is 6 foot 1 and weighs 250 pounds, is missing an eye, and has a gun by his side. Enzo, of course, being a cute little kid who was innocent and really couldn't be blamed for his other self’s bad influence, did do the look and Dot’s core melted. She immediately toughened up despite the fact that Bob was giving her the puppy eyes.
“We need to do somethin’ ‘bout these guys,” Mouse said.
“Yes we do need to do something. Perhaps Dot has a plan,” AndrAIa agreed in a strangly calm voice.
“Why I do in fact have a plan for just such an occasion,” Dot announced.
“Which would be?” Ray asked.
“A time out.”
“What! You can’t give us a time out!” Matrix exclaimed.
“Not that kind of time out, you basic, 8-bit excuses for protectors of the system. I say that you four will have to live in the diner for a while and we live in the P.O for while. We all need a break from each other.”
“What about the business hours?” Bob asked still smarting from the remark Dot made about being basic. He didn’t dare challenge her though. His jaw hurt just thinking about what she did last time.
“The diner is closed for a cycle anyway,” Dot said.
“Now boys, If you’ll excuse us we have someplace to be,” Mouse said. And with that they left. A penguin followed them.
Dot, AndrAIa, and Mouse arrived at the P.O., their arms full with sleeping bags, pillows, junk food, Mp3’s, a Midi player, and a bag filled with makeup. They walk into the P.O. On their way there Dot thought she saw a User but it was just her imagination. Sighing, she stood straight tapped her forehead firmly twice with her hand and said, “ReBoot!”. She now felt like such a Cyrus all renewed and better. She could continue on into the P.O. (Another reader who’s on the list sighs and says “Hey! I came up with that!”)
In the P.O they were greeted by Phong who was promptly informed by the command.com that he was not to disturb them and that he must stay in his office and play PONG for the whole cycle. Muttering about lightsabers and whatnot, Phong left.
“So, this look like a good ‘nuff place to set up camp,” Mouse said, surveying a long corridor that bordered Dot’s office and the control room.
“Yeah this is a good enough place,” AndrAIa agreed. They dropped everything on the ground and set it all up. They now had a sleeping station, an eating station, an entertainment station (Thank the User the P.O has satellite T.V), and a dress-up station. (Don’t ask).
Ripping open a bag of chips, Dot flopped down on AndrAIa’s sleeping bag and pigged out. The others joined in.
***
In the diner the guys were trying to keep themselves amused. They discovered that if Cecil was in just the right spot, he could receive television signals. Which was good, I suppose, for everyone but Cecil. They also found out that you can only spin the chairs at the bar so much before something bad happens.
“Okay, I deal. Five card. Jokers wild,” Ray said as he dealt five cards to Bob. Bob eyed his cards. He had a very good hand. A royal flush to be exact. Bob let out a fake sigh and slumped. Ray saw this and, thinking Bob had a bad hand, bet 50 units (A blonde thing to do. The list members sigh and blondes curse. The author reminds them that in the summer she turns blonde from all the sun so you shouldn’t be offended.)
Bob met the bet. And showed his hand. Now it was Ray’s turn to curse as he handed over the units and threw the cards at Bob.
Matrix was balancing on the top part of the booth and trying to walk across it. Enzo was building something with legos. Something that you can’t quite figure out what it is unless you’re told. He seemed very intent on it however so no one bothered him.
Suddenly the booth seat Matrix was balancing on tipped over and sent Matrix falling. He landed on his bitmap. Luckily nothing aside from his pride was hurt.
“Now what did you do that for?” Ray asked throwing a spoon at Matrix.
“You made me do it!” Matrix yelled at Ray throwing a spoon back at him.
“How?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet.”
“Well maybe you should.” At that comment Matrix tackled Ray, pushing over the counter and behind, the bar. Bob was dragged along for the ride. He was in fact buried beneath the two fighting males. That’s a lot of weight to put up with. So while Ray and Matrix were punching and kicking and yelling, Bob was trying to get free. This failed hopelessly and Bob resigned to be slowly crushed to deletion.
Then it hit him. Duh! He could portal out from under Matrix and Ray. Sighing Bob did just that. He then managed to make it to Enzo, who was playing with the legos and humming Firewall.
“What are you building?” Bob asked, gasping for breath.
“Can’t you tell? It’s the Saucy Mare.” (The list sighs. The ReBoot bug is catching)
“Oh yeah. Now I see it. I think.”
***
Back at the P.O. AndrAIa was staring intently at a glass of water, Dot was making jellybean art, and Mouse was trying to hack into Mainframe’s power control.
“Have you ever noticed that water has all these little floaties in it?” AndrAIa asked.
“Huh? No not really. I’ve never really looked at water.”
“Well how do you pass time?”
“Andy sweetie, what did you do while you were game hopping?”
“Well, I memorized all the lines on my toes, and counted all of my strands of hair.”
“Yes!” Mouse exclaimed.
“What did you do? Dot asked.
“Ah hacked into the diner’s electrical power. We could have some fun!”
“Oooo, goodie!” AndrAIa said, jumping up to look over Mouse’s shoulder, knocking over her water in the process.
“We can put on a little light show for the guys in the diner!” Mouse said happily.
“Uh, you guys? Maybe that’s not a good idea.”
“Oh lighten up, Dot. Have some fun, loosen up. Act your bra size not your age.”
“Hey! I resent that.”
“Sorry sugah. What Ah mean is that ya only compile once, so have some excitement!”
“If you’re restarted you compile twice,” AndrAIa pointed out.
“AndrAIa now you’re juhst bein difficuhlt.”
“Okay let’s do it,” Dot resigned.
A penguin was watching them.
At the diner the guys had run out of things to do. They were all sitting in a booth, bored out of their processors. Suddenly the lights flickered, then went out.
“What happened?” Bob wondered.
A voice coming from what sounded like a loudspeaker replied, “You now belong to us.” The voice sounded strangly familiar.
“Who is that?” Matrix demanded.
“I am the command.com I control all of you now. Bwhahahahah!”
“She’s crazier than Hexadecimal,” Bob muttered.
“I heard that. I hear all.”
“Turn on the lights, Dot,” Enzo said.
The lights clicked on. There was a vidwindow in front of them. In it Dot was sitting on the floor with Mouse and AndrAIa on either side of her.
“You must obey us,” AndrAIa said.
“Or else you will have ta pay the price,” Mouse added.
“We won’t ever obey you three!” Ray exclaimed.
“Fine, have it your way,” Dot said. The guys all ran to the door, but it was locked.
“You don’t have to obey us but you do have to be held prisoner,” AndrAIa said, grinning.
“ ’elp us. Someone please.” Ray squeaked.
“As punishment you will have to listen to My Core Will Go On by Silicon Dione,” Dot said.
“There is no escape. So don’t evah think of tryin,” Mouse said.
“Dot, this isn’t like you,” Bob said.
“Sorry Bob. I have to get back to my jellybean art. Be seeing you!” The vid window closed and the lights dimmed till it was almost completely dark in the diner.
This is bad. VERY BAD,” Matrix said.
“Hey! That’s my line,” Bob whined.
Three long minutes had passed for the prisoners. They sat in the dark talking most of the time. They were often surprised to find that Dot, Mouse and AndrAIa were listening in on them at odd moments. Also the lights would go on and off at times. The song My Core Will Go On still played. They now knew all the words and their ears were ringing from listening to it for so long.
***
Meanwhile the girls were having lots of fun.
“She’s into playin' games.”
“Hackin into the P.O”
“I feel a premonition”
“SHE’S GONNA MAKE ME A NULL!!”
They were signing to Livin Life Random by Ricky Margin. They were really belting it out too. Phong could here it in his office.
“She’ll make you take your icon off and go dancing in the rain.”
“She’ll make you compile her random life and she take away your pain”
“LIKE A VIRUS TO YOUR BRAIN Come On!”
“You guys can’t sing,” Dot complained.
“Aww Dot just because we can’t sing doesn’t mean we shouldn’t,” AndrAIa whined.
“Let’s tell ghost stories!” Mouse suggested.
“Yeah, let’s!” AndrAIa brightened. “I have one. It’s called basement con ‘99” (The list rolls their eyes)
“Okay let’s here it,” Dot agreed.
“Well there was this girl and she camped out in her basement with her trusty sidekick watching a T.V show again and again and again. They were trying to rediscover the show’s true essence.”
“And?” Mouse asked.
“Well I never heard the end. My guess is the girl went nutso and spent the rest of her life in the basement rocking back and forth singing the ReBoot Recap song with her sidekick.”
“That wasn’t very scary Andre,” Dot sighed.
“Could you do better?”
“I don’t know......”
“Oh come on, Dot, honey,” Mouse urged.
“Oh, all right,” Dot resigned. “But it won’t be pretty...”
“Well Dot let’s hear it.” Mouse said.
“Okay. You see there was once a little penguin named Feathers. He appeared soon after the twin city explosion. Many people wondered where he came from. The twin city? Maybe. Anyways he would show up at the weirdest places. Like birthday parties, or in someone’s apartment, or in the middle of a system crash. He would be there! He would never say anything. Just waddle around, look at you, and blink. He hasn’t been seen since the big ReBoot. He could be anywhere.”
“That blew, Dot,” AndrAIa said.
“Yeah. A penguin?” Mouse said.
“Mouse? Andy ? Do...don’t lo look bbbbe hind you”
“Oh come on sugah you can do better than that,” Mouse complained as she turned around. “OH USER!!!!!” she screamed.
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!” AndrAIa had turned around. There behind them was the penguin.
“Get it out!!!” Dot screamed, terrified.
They shooed the penguin out.
One minute left till the cycle was over and they’d have to free the guys. They had a dilemma, however. They had run out of food. Since food is necessary to continue compiling they had to go to the diner. Which meant they had to free the guys. They could have fun with this however.
“I knew we brought all this make up for something,” AndrAIa said, smiling, as she did Mouse’s face.
“You git my eyes good Andy, ya hear?” Mouse said.
“Blue or green?” She asked AndrAIa asked.
“Blue on the left and green on the right. I can’t decide,” Mouse said after Dot gave her a weird look.
“Done,” AndrAIa announced, stepping back to admire her work.
“Great, now I get to do you,” Dot said.
“An then I git ta do you,” Mouse added.
Dot gulped. “Yeah.”
Dot very bravely let Mouse attack her face. The end result was disturbing, but perfect for what they were going to do.
***
Meanwhile, at the diner, My Core Will Go On was still playing. The guys had gone into a deep trance. The were all just sitting there in the dark humming along to the song.
Very suddenly the lights flicked on. Blinked, the boys did at the brightness. When their eyes adjusted the stared. It was Mouse, Dot and AndrAIa, but they looked like clowns. Their faces had been painted pasty white. Their lips were multicolored and their eye makeup neon colors like Mouse’s blue and green and Dot’s pink and orange. It was a shocking sight, and the already emotionally unstable boys went random.
“Don’t hurt us!” Matrix sobbed.
“Please,” Enzo wailed.
“Mommy!” Ray moaned as they all backed up against the wall like caged animals. Bob was crying.
“Oh no! We’ve scared them,” Mouse said.
“Poor things,” AndrAIa said.
“I think we’ve broken them,” Dot sighed. She walked up to them. So did Mouse and AndrAIa. Mouse held the shaking Ray, AndrAIa the whimpering Matrix, and Dot the crying Bob and Enzo.
“We're sorry. We didn’t mean to scar you for life,” Dot apologized.
The guys snapped out of it and wriggled out of the girls’ grasps.
“You shouldn’t have done that!” Matrix yelled.
“I guess the saying is true: Men are the weaker race” AndrAIa said.
Ray grumbled. “Who’s up for poker?”
END
Apologies: I’m eternally sorry. This kinda just popped into my head one day. I didn’t mean to offend blondes, men, or anyone else. It was just for fun. Oh yeah and sorry to the ReBoot list for my uh... how should I put it? Well you know what I mean. All the little experts or whatever from the messages.
Thanks: Thank you to the people on the list who gave me the ideas for the whatever-you-call-ems.
Disclaimer: I ain't making no money off of this so don’t sue me. Besides I’m thirteen and don’t have a job so I really don’t have any money to take. All the characters belong to Mainframe Entertainment. So there!